Tag Archives: gratitude

Every Curve

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Every Curve

Feeling lost and alone is inevitable if we are not centered in our skin. All change begins within. All solutions are found inside. The body is the vessel for creation and exploration, fully being. Visualizing the range of gifts this flesh provides can open your heart and mind to the adventurous possibilities all around. Unfortunately, many times this truth is not discovered until an epic loss appears in our lives. For some, it is a door never opened. Others see it and see it again, but choose an easier, seemingly better path.

Before my brother, Josue, became ill and passed away, I took so much for granted. I berated myself in thought and action about being overweight, lamenting my real and imagined physical flaws. I made lovely lists of comparisons. My life belonged to the future. I would live it when. Sometimes the un-loving led to unhealthy decisions or habits. I did not accept myself. I was right there and I still could not see.

I saw suffering and I felt it deep within, beyond where skin meets tissue and bone and soul, where words are just inarticulate sounds, pain can be tasted and love is the only thing tying you to hope. Sometimes I had to survive it in 20 minute increments, one day was asking too much.

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The Heart of Life

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The Heart of Life

Tomorrow will be the 1 year anniversary of my brother, Josue’s departure to the Great Beyond. I miss him every day, but I am determined to keep his memory alive and to live an amazing life. He is always in my heart, in my thoughts. Laughter and joy are intertwined with the tears. That is unavoidable, but there are fewer tears now. I have discovered pictures of us I had forgotten I possessed. I wish I had more. I wish I hadn’t declined opportunities because I thought I was dressed inappropriately, or my hair was a mess, or I felt fat. Life is about living life now. Life is not about when I do this, am that…then I can…

This philosophy has inspired me to act more on my desires and to waste less time thinking about them. Whenever I doubt myself or I need a pep talk, I try to imagine I am my own friend. Depending on need, these are some of the statements I make, sometimes out loud:

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From the Abyss to Gratitude

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From the Abyss to Gratitude

Gratitude is powerful and potent. It can transform a moment of despair into one of love; reach inside & cause a rumble, a light-heartedness, a laugh to bubble up and give joy. My brother, Josh, died on April 23rd of last year and it left a hole in my heart, a loss so deep some days I can barely breathe. The pain covers me in waves of heat & pressure rises from my stomach to my head. I squeeze my eyes shut with a force to transport myself to a time when he was alive & healthy. I squeeze my eyes shut to avoid howling like a banshee with no hope, crumpling to the ground. But if I pause before I reach the limits, I can bring myself back from that ledge at the abyss and give thanks.

 

I give thanks for my hands that caressed his arm. I give thanks for my heart that did not cease to beat when his departure was near. I give thanks for every single moment of my life that brought me to strength to remain with my brother through his illness; no matter the darkness of many of those moments, I give thanks. I give thanks for my voice and my mother’s song. Josue, wouldn’t allow me to sing it to him, the lullaby my mother sang to us as children and even adults. Missing our mother and her warm embrace so full of tenderness and love, the simple, sweet words were too overwhelming for him to bear. Near the end I needed to sing it to him. I do not know if the desire came for him or for me, but he did not deny me and I sang my brother to sleep through tears and the pressure inside me that threatened to swallow me before it shattered me into small slivers.

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