Tag Archives: depression

From the Abyss to Gratitude

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From the Abyss to Gratitude

Gratitude is powerful and potent. It can transform a moment of despair into one of love; reach inside & cause a rumble, a light-heartedness, a laugh to bubble up and give joy. My brother, Josh, died on April 23rd of last year and it left a hole in my heart, a loss so deep some days I can barely breathe. The pain covers me in waves of heat & pressure rises from my stomach to my head. I squeeze my eyes shut with a force to transport myself to a time when he was alive & healthy. I squeeze my eyes shut to avoid howling like a banshee with no hope, crumpling to the ground. But if I pause before I reach the limits, I can bring myself back from that ledge at the abyss and give thanks.

 

I give thanks for my hands that caressed his arm. I give thanks for my heart that did not cease to beat when his departure was near. I give thanks for every single moment of my life that brought me to strength to remain with my brother through his illness; no matter the darkness of many of those moments, I give thanks. I give thanks for my voice and my mother’s song. Josue, wouldn’t allow me to sing it to him, the lullaby my mother sang to us as children and even adults. Missing our mother and her warm embrace so full of tenderness and love, the simple, sweet words were too overwhelming for him to bear. Near the end I needed to sing it to him. I do not know if the desire came for him or for me, but he did not deny me and I sang my brother to sleep through tears and the pressure inside me that threatened to swallow me before it shattered me into small slivers.

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Over

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Over

Venado Isand, Costa Rica

 

From bone to meat, from sigh to grind

Strive against tendencies to fall and slip; slide and dive; then tumble- legs askew, head snaps

Over, over, and over; over, over, and over; snowball somersault down a mountainside

Speeding rollercoasters bursting off track, hurtling high and arcing down to the crushing depths of the sea

Air strangled, no breath; just salt and gushing filling death

 

Resigning myself to the path of never-more

Rush, rush; rush, rush without end; penetrating the sanctity of my form like so many others

Please come, take me to the dark; take me to the place where I am no more

Ashes, ashes; memories alone; turn them to stone, to ashes and stone

Blind me and silence my fears with the beat of the blood; rush, rush, rushing into the sea,

To the purple-black cold welcoming pool; to the end of all that has been me

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