Tag Archives: change

Every Curve

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Every Curve

Feeling lost and alone is inevitable if we are not centered in our skin. All change begins within. All solutions are found inside. The body is the vessel for creation and exploration, fully being. Visualizing the range of gifts this flesh provides can open your heart and mind to the adventurous possibilities all around. Unfortunately, many times this truth is not discovered until an epic loss appears in our lives. For some, it is a door never opened. Others see it and see it again, but choose an easier, seemingly better path.

Before my brother, Josue, became ill and passed away, I took so much for granted. I berated myself in thought and action about being overweight, lamenting my real and imagined physical flaws. I made lovely lists of comparisons. My life belonged to the future. I would live it when. Sometimes the un-loving led to unhealthy decisions or habits. I did not accept myself. I was right there and I still could not see.

I saw suffering and I felt it deep within, beyond where skin meets tissue and bone and soul, where words are just inarticulate sounds, pain can be tasted and love is the only thing tying you to hope. Sometimes I had to survive it in 20 minute increments, one day was asking too much.

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Rise

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Rise

The cloud of dust and smoke settles as the sound of bricks and metal fill the air. A figure rises from the rubble, pulling himself up from a mountain of debris. Emerging, free from the suffocating grip of what once was a hospital, the remains of the building lay beneath him now as Superman stands triumphant. Upon the mountain, the sun kisses his cheeks and the rays of light dance upon the midnight of his hair. His tattered cape blows freely in the cool spring wind as he breathes in the sweet air, the very wind that will soon propel him to the heavens. He looks to the stars as if quietly contemplating something and he closes his eyes with a cool smile across his strong face. He looks happy, as if someone has whispered something sweet to him. He stands in the warmth with his eyes closed, and silently speaks to the sky. An eternity passes and finally his inaudible words cease with his transparent gaze.

He opens his eyes, under him the weight of his battles takes a hold of him and he falls to the ground. He struggles to arise again, but he is defeated. Exhausted and tired he lies in wreckage, his bruised and beaten body can take no more.

For a moment his cape is motionless as the wind has disappeared, the sun hides behind a dark cloud sheltering the world from its warmth, and it seems as if the earth is quieted for this instant in time. Infinity seems too quick as I watch his lifeless body, then movement! I watch to my surprise as his body begins to hover, as if an invisible man is lifting him into his arms. The sun beams brighter onto his lifeless body, almost blinding. For a moment, I see a man holding Superman in his arms. He wipes the sweat from Superman’s brow and smooths his hair with his hand. The light is so bright I blink, and when I do Superman is standing, his once tousled hair is slick and in place, his dirty bruised face is now handsomely tanned and smooth, a million stars shine in his eyes as they twinkle like fireworks, his cut and holey suit is now white and crisp, and his once tattered cape is new and flawless as it once again dances in the winds, no trace of the invisible man.

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The Heart of Life

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The Heart of Life

Tomorrow will be the 1 year anniversary of my brother, Josue’s departure to the Great Beyond. I miss him every day, but I am determined to keep his memory alive and to live an amazing life. He is always in my heart, in my thoughts. Laughter and joy are intertwined with the tears. That is unavoidable, but there are fewer tears now. I have discovered pictures of us I had forgotten I possessed. I wish I had more. I wish I hadn’t declined opportunities because I thought I was dressed inappropriately, or my hair was a mess, or I felt fat. Life is about living life now. Life is not about when I do this, am that…then I can…

This philosophy has inspired me to act more on my desires and to waste less time thinking about them. Whenever I doubt myself or I need a pep talk, I try to imagine I am my own friend. Depending on need, these are some of the statements I make, sometimes out loud:

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Embrace Change or Life Will Put a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Submission Hold on You

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I'm 10. It's hot & I'm holding this light as part of my indentured servitude. We had just arrived in Florida from Montana.

I’m 10. It’s hot & I’m holding this light as part of my indentured servitude. We had just arrived in Florida from Montana.

Change and I have never been friends. We have tolerated each other like relatives only seen during holiday festivities, funerals, and weddings.  This is particularly odd in my case since I spent most of my childhood moving with furniture, against my will, across state lines. No, I was not a tiny fugitive from the FBI, nor were my parents secret agents. At the age of 12, I fondly recall telling my father our family theme song was Willie Nelson’s “On the Road Again.” I heard it on a random commercial for Time Life something or other and it struck me intimately as accurate. He was not amused.

In the first grade, I had three different teachers in 3 different cities whose last names all strangely began with the letter C. We didn’t simply place our precious belongings into labeled cardboard boxes and hopscotch across town or roam to the next one over. Oh no, my friend. On one occasion, we journeyed from the sprawling metropolis of Tuba City, Arizona to Browning, Montana and on another from Pahokee, Florida to Wolf Point, Montana. I imagined grand tragedies had befallen those I left behind so I could cope. Once a hungry sinkhole appeared and swallowed the entire town and another time a vile contagious sickness spread throughout a la Outbreak and annihilated every last human being. Not a trace of that past remained, not a shadow of an interaction I had, nor a friend I might have made. This process exempted me from ever having to maintain any contact with the populous of my previous existence. You cannot send letters to the deceased and you certainly cannot visit, especially if such calamities are involved. Enter Change stage left, Change not embraced as Girl exits stage right.

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